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He was about five feet six inches tall. Very slender, with an
almost unbelievably tiny waist. His hair was long and wavy, dark but
not quite black like Seth's. He wore it back in a pony tail. He had
a New York Yankees baseball cap on. I wanted him to be my boyfriend
the very first instant that I laid eyes on him. Poor Seth, I felt
like some kind of a monster, maybe I am, but in that very instant it
all flooded in on me, I knew what had been bothering me. Although I
enjoyed Seth's company very much, and we had sex that was nearly
interstellar, I just could not picture myself living with him, bonded
in a permanent way.
Mark was a different case completely. I knew at a glance that
he was the man who was to be the love of my life. I wanted to find a
place to hide. I did not feel very good about myself. They were
right there now in front of me. All of this realization, this sudden
knowledge, it had swept over me in the time that it took Seth and Mark
to open the door of the restaurant and take two steps inside.
Time stood still. I pictured myself in a bed somewhere with
Mark, snuggled up against his tinyness, my boxer shorts pressed up
against his butt, my hand on his tiny shoulder. I could see what a
fragile person Mark was. I wanted desperately to be kind to him.
and I also wanted to sink my teeth into the skin on his bony
shoulders. I never felt so totally drawn to a person in just one
instant before in my entire life. Seth spoke and his voice broke
my trance.
"Steve!"
"Seth, uh, hi, hello, you must be Mark."
"Oh, you really are intelligent."
I grinned unabashedly at Mark. His silly comment had put me
right at ease. The combination of his New England accent with his
slightly effeminate voice was almost too much to bear. Seth saw me
smiling and he seemed to relax. I looked at him and wondered where I
had left my rock, and whether I would ever be able to look at myself
in the mirror again. Poor Seth. He had done nothing at all to
deserve this. And of course I had no idea what Mark might think of
me, this whole thing was the most ridiculous experience of my life.
The little Vietnamese host had to speak twice to get my attention. It
must have been obvious that I was staring at Mark.
We sat at a table along the side wall, Seth next to me and
Mark right across from me. I was soaking him in with my eyes. Mark
and Seth both ordered beef dishes and I ordered a soup with rice
noodles and pork. I wanted to climb under the table and hide but
Mark's hitop sneakers were there, and I would have been drawn to them
and his skinny thighs. Oh my, I felt like such a rotten person.
Seth had just asked me to be his boyfriend the weekend before and I
had accepted. I felt like such a creep. The soup was excellent.
It opened up my sinuses.
During the meal Seth and Mark were telling me about Mark's job
and how his company wanted to move him out here to the Bay area. Mark
does environmental impact studies for new highway construction
projects. He is very much environmentally conscious. I got Mark
talking about relationships and things of that sort. He is a very
romantic guy. He told me about his last lover, and all of the sweet
things that Mark had done for him, and all of the rotten treatment he
had gotten in return. I wanted to hug him right then and there. I
pictured myself whispering sweet things in his ear, then nibbling on
his ear, then plunging my tongue deeply into his ear - searching for
earwax - driving him mad. I wanted to make love with Mark, I wanted
to give him pleasure and I wanted to put my manhood inside him.
"I've been good
And I've been bad
Someone told me Monday
Someone told me Saturday
`Wait until tommorrow'
And there's still no way
Read it in a book
Or write it in a letter
Wake up in the morning and
There's still no guarantee"
-- Pet Shop Boys
We had a few more cups of tea as we sat and chatted. I
suppose that Seth had no idea of what was going on inside me, how
powerfully I was attracted to Mark. He kept pressing his leg up
against mine, carrying on with me in the way that he always had in
every restaurant we had ever set foot in together. Poor Seth, he
really did not have this coming. He had always treated me with
respect, I felt like such a creep, but I could not get my eyes or my
mind off Mark. I still do not understand why it was that I was so
instantly attracted to Mark. Even at the time it was obvious to me
that Mark, and my reaction to him, had been foreshadowed by my strange
feelings of being ill at ease all this week. I thought of my dinner
with Sweet Sweet Brian just the night before, how I had dodged his
questions about Seth, a sense of Deja Vu crept over me.
Seth turned toward me and got a serious look on his face:
"Steve, I have to go to a meeting in LA tommorrow and
I was wondering if you might be able to keep Mark company
tommorrow night ?"
"Um, yeah, sure, I guess so, I mean if that is alright
with you Mark ?"
"Sure Steve, any friend or, um, whatever of Seth's is a
friend of mine!"
Once again I wondered where I had left my rock. I felt like
I must have scales on my skin, like some cold blooded creature. But I
also knew that I wanted Mark; and Seth had just handed me an engraved
invitation - although he did not know it. How very strange the things
we do, the motions our hearts and our lust put us through. Mark gave
me directions to his hotel in San Mateo and then the three of us split
the check and went for a walk in the cool winter night air. We
strolled through Printers Inc, a trendy bookstore. We found some gay
titles there and Mark was impressed by it. We strolled some more,
past a Chinese place where Seth and I had eaten on a rainy night.
Mark used an ATM at a bank and then I followed them to Seth's place.
It was very tense for me, being there in Seth's place again,
but wanting Mark the whole time. We each had a beer as Seth and Mark
were telling me of their adventures together. They had met when Seth
was just coming out, Mark was like an older brother to him, his gay
brother. In their earlier days they were like kids together and
they obviously enjoyed talking about it. I picked up a sense of Mark
as being very sincere and emotionally fragile. It made me want him
so much more. Poor Seth.
The memory lane party eventually broke up. I had a service
call first thing the next morning, Seth had to fly to LA early and
Mark was eager to go looking for apartments in the morning. Seth
hugged me as I stood up to leave, and he went to kiss me on the lips
but I turned away. I hope he did not see the tears welling up in my
eyes. All the way home I was feeling badly about falling for Mark,
when I had no idea how he felt about me. And then there was Seth.
How could I possibly tell Seth that I was suddenly no longer
interested in him, but his best friend was the man of my dreams. I
went right to bed when I got home and tossed for at least an hour
before I got to sleep. I tossed and I did something else to relieve
the tension. I got my service call done by 9AM, and was home sitting
next to my phone when it rang about 10 AM. It was Mark.
We made plans for a get together at Shouts in Redwood City.
Then I realized that I had just brought Seth there recently and
introduced him as my boyfriend. Oh well. If I was going to have
music to face, I might as well start facing it now. And of course I
still had no clue how Mark might react if he found out how I felt.
I was nervous but hopeful all day. Should I talk to him ? Or
should I let my hand fall onto his leg ? I wanted to kneel on the
floor somewhere in front of Mark. And I wanted to do him. With
Seth I had always been a bottom, it was just silently understood,
but with Mark I knew I wanted to top him. I think his being short
had something to do with it. I wanted to sink my teeth into Mark's
back. I wanted to leave marks on Mark, maybe permanent scars. I
had my usual supply of condoms and lubricant with me when I left
home to meet Mark. But I was hoping to wear the condom this time,
instead of putting it on someone else.
I arrived at Shouts early that night. Mark came in just a
few minutes after me. He sat down beside me, said hello, then
leaned over and kissed me as if we were lovers. My heart went into
overdrive, I heard my blood flowing in my ears. I must have blushed
and then I said "Thank You". He asked me very directly what it was
that had been bothering me the night before when I left Seth's place.
I decided that there was no time like the present and figured that
he had just opened up a door.
"Mark, since you asked, I mean, I want to be honest with you.
I just cannot deceive people. I know that Seth is your
friend, and I think he is a great guy myself, I really like
him. But last night I found myself all of a sudden wondering
why I am dating him. Out of nowhere I felt like it was
over between us."
"I don't understand Steve. Are you upset with Seth about
something ?"
"NO! Not at all. He is a very nice guy, a really nice guy.
I like Seth. But suddenly I just cannot see us as being
lovers. I don't want to hurt him though. I don't know
what to do."
"You have to tell him Steve, there is no way around it."
"I know, but what do I say ? How do I bring it up ?"
"Steve, you've got to tell him. If it is over, it's over!
Really guy. Seth thinks this is a big thing between you
two."
"I know he does, Mark. That's what is making it so hard for
me. And, um, there is something else too Mark. Oh God, I
hate this. Forget it, I can't say it. I'm sorry I even
brought this up. Please forgive me."
"What Steve, what is it ?"
"I don't want to say it, you'll hate me."
"No I won't, I promise. I think I like you Steve. Between
what Seth has said and what I've seen in you, you seem like
a really nice guy."
"Oh no! No I can't, but I want to."
"What Steve, what is it ?"
"It's, OK, you can leave if you want, but, Mark, I'm very
much attracted to you."
There was this really long silence. I could hear people at
the other end of the bar talking. I watched the video on the TV
hanging from the ceiling and tried to pretend I had not said a word.
He looked at me. I felt his eyes burning into the side of my face.
I turned to look at him and he spoke.
"But I'm a bottom Steve."
"I know. Seth has talked about you."
"But you're a bottom Steve"
"No, not with you. I don't want to be your bottom."
More silence. I felt the breeze on my back from the open
front door. The music from the videos was annoying me. The cool air
from the street was pointing out to me just how much of my back was
covered with sweat. My underarms were perspiring so much I could
feel it running down the inside of my arm. I was afraid that Mark
would be offended.
"Now you're standing there tongue tied
You'd better learn your lesson well
Hide what you have to hide
And tell what you have to tell
You'll see your problems multiplied
If you continually decide
To faithfully pursue
The policy of truth
-- Depeche Mode
Then I decided that if I was going to alienate him I might as
well do a good job of it, so I put my right hand on his leg, just
above his left knee. Mark did not say a word, but slowly, ever so
slowly, he opened his legs a bit more. My heart was racing as if I
had just run a mile. I turned and looked him in the eye, and then he
smiled.
Without another word being spoken we both finished our
drinks. I looked at him as he looked at me, and, in silence still
we got up from our stools to go. I said goodbye to the bartender
and waved to the flirtatious little waiter as we left. On the
street there was no traffic. We walked to our cars still quiet and
as he unlocked his door for him he suggested I follow him to his
hotel.
If there were meters for measuring tension I could have
pinned one on that ride. I stayed right on his tail, and he was
driving fast, as Massachusetts drivers often do. I parked beside
his car and he waved me over. He opened the door and told me to get
in. Then Mark put his hand on my leg. I knew I was going to find
out what it would be like to be with him.
"Follow me."
"OK"
I felt like I was blushing as we walked past the front desk.
At the door to his room he put the key in the lock, turned to me
with a smile on his face, and told me to come inside. I did. I
grabbed him as if I was catching a thief in the act. But I was the
one who should have been arrested. He turned his little face towards
mine and I covered his lips with my mouth. We stood there a few
minutes, locked in our first embrace. Then I picked him up and
carried him to the bed.
[ continued in Mark Part Two ]
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