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I was having another one of those slow days that bore me to
death. They had no service calls for me to do. So I spent most of
the day drinking too much coffee and calling gay bulletin boards.
About 3PM my pager finally went off, I expected it to be Michelle
who was paging me, my primary dispatcher, although I am OUT to all of
our dispatchers Michelle is really the one I do the most talking to,
about business and about personal things. As I was calling on my
cordless phone I went to get yet another cup of coffee. It was my
latest homoerotic blend; part Hawaiian Hazelnut, part Moka Java and
part French dark roast - all from The Castro of course.
"Datacomm Service, Michelle."
"Hi Michelle, it's Steve. What's up ?"
"I wanted to let you know that you have a call for 6AM
tommorrow in San Francisco."
"Lovely, I've got a date tonight."
"With Brian ?"
"No Michelle, Brian and I are friends, very good friends,
but just friends. I met a guy, his name is Seth."
"Seth ? Nice name. Is he cute ?"
"YES! He's very cute."
"Steve, you always say that. Every guy you meet is cute."
"What can I say, I like guys, every now and then I meet one
that likes me too."
"Well, good luck. Anyway Vince has been working on this
call and he said he would do it for you if you want him to."
"YES! Yes, please tell him I said thank you, yes, I'd be
glad to have him take the call."
"OK, so tell me about Seth ?"
"Ahhhh, he's very interested in me. His car ran out of gas
on 101 and I stopped to help him, we went out for dinner
once and tonight we are going out again."
"What does he look like ?"
"Oh, an 8.7, black hair, very wavy, my size, sort of
masculine looking, he's very sensitive, very open."
"Wow, have fun Steve."
"Thanks Michelle, I'll talk to you later. Try not to page me
tonight, OK ?"
"I'll try."
It was my week to be on call. Twenty four hours for seven
days. I had warned Seth when we made our plans the night before,
but he was not concerned. Seth was very anxious to see me again,
even though I had sort of shot him down on our first date. He had
wanted me to follow him home, and although I knew I wanted to, I had
declined. It wasn't that I did not like him, or that I did not want
him, it's just that I'm so tired of things going down in flames so
very rapidly. It seems to happen so often. I really like Seth, I
like him a lot, so I want it to last.
"Sooner or later
This happens to everyone
To everyone"
-- Pet Shop Boys
We had agreed to meet at a restaurant on Castro Street in
Mountain View. Seth lives in Mountain View. On our first date we
had met in Sunnyvale, I live in Sunnyvale. I knew what he had in
mind, I knew what he wanted to have happen. It was pretty clear in
my own mind how I felt about it too, but I hoped it would not be too
obvious. What was so unique about this situation was that it seemed
to be Seth who was pursuing me. Through most of my life it had been
the other way around, I was always chasing, mostly chasing guys who
wanted to "be my friend". Seth clearly wanted more than that. But
this made it so precious to me that I had a great desire to preserve
the arrangement, to keep him in hot pursuit of me, to make him want
me. It felt so rewarding. Sometimes what we want to have happen
conflicts with how we feel. I knew I was mixed up about it all.
About 5PM I decided to take another shower. I had finished all of my paperwork for the previous week and had it ready to mail the next morning. I wanted my hair to be really curly, I wanted my body to be clean. I laid out my tightest pair of jeans, some very colorful underwear, my plum colored shirt and the matching plum colored tee shirt. I wanted to look good for Seth, just in case. I got a psychogenic erection in the shower. I lathered and rinsed twice. I wanted to be ready just in case. Somehow getting ready for dinner with Seth made me come face to face with what was going on inside me. I could no longer hide from how much I wanted him, I was forced to come to terms with the fact that I really wanted him just as much as he seemed to want me. No more kidding, no more pretense, this really could be the start of something very interesting. Seth is such a wonderful guy, he loves people, he is funny and fun to be with, he doesn't take any junk from narrow minded people either. I knew I did not want to rush into things, spoil them right up front, but I wanted him to know that I was very much interested in him. I compromised by deciding to go ahead with the plans for the evening with an open mind. How could it be that what I had wanted all my life could frighten me so much ? It was almost 6PM , there was no way I could drink another cup of coffee and still function. I grabbed a diet soda from the refrigerator. Then I brushed my teeth again, and used some more mouthwash. I might have been nervous. I had my pager clipped onto my belt. About every five minutes I pressed the button on the side and it kept saying "No Info". I wanted to jump in my van and go to Mountain View to meet Seth, but we had agreed to meet at 7 and it was way too early. I wondered where he was and what he was thinking about. My phone rang.
"Hello ?"
"Howdy pardner."
"Brian!!! Hi, how are you ?"
"Good, I just got home. So, big night tonight huh ?"
"Hmm, maybe, could be, too soon to say."
"I think it is, I think he's going to ask you and you're
going to say yes."
"Brian, I'm disappointed in you, what do you think I am ?
Some kind of a slut or something ?"
"Steve, I know you."
"Oh. Well, call me tommorrow."
We chatted about a few more things, Brian and I have such a
wonderful friendship. He knows me pretty well too. We go places
and he'll point out some guy and say "There's one for you Steve" and
it's always a guy I like to look at. He was telling me about how
some guy had tried to pick him up at CSJ the night before. Brian
could break a dozen hearts a night if he wanted to, but he's a
really sweet guy. 6:15 now. I had some Pet Shop Boys on my stereo.
I was dancing around my apartment, jumping for joy.
"Say this is all you want
But I don't believe that is true
Cause when you least expect it
Waiting 'round the corner for you
Love comes quickly whatever you do
You can't stop falling"
-- Pet Shop Boys
Almost time to go. Will 101 be jammed ? I don't want to be
late for Seth. I pick up my black baseball cap and I walk to the
mirror, I put the cap on backwards and carefully pull a few tufts of
my very curly hair through the front. On the back of the cap, which
is now in the front, is a button with the words "Gay Bashing" inside
a red circle with a slash through it. On the front of the cap,
which is now in the back, is a huge Queer Nation sticker that says
"QUEERS BASH BACK". I feel ready for the streets of a suburban town.
I put my best pair of Reeboks on, grab my briefcase just in case. My
gym bag is already in the van. I have three condoms in a pouch on my
keyring and another half dozen or so in my jacket pocket. I kill
the stereo and the lights, I turn off the monitor on my BBS and kill
the power to my PS/2. A quick glance around my apartment, all the
empty beer cans seem to be in place, I shut the door and bounce down
the stairs, briefcase in my left hand, keyring in my right hand.
"Tonight is forever
Tell me now you don't disagree
Tonight is forever
Open the door, you hold the key"
-- Pet Shop Boys
101 is a breeze, the jam has ended early. As I cruise down
Castro Street in Mountain View, looking for a place to park, I see
Seth's Toyota parked almost in front of the Chinese restaurant where
we are to meet. Cool! I find a metered space on a side street and
get to the place five minutes early. Seth is standing inside with a
big grin on his face. It feels so good to see him again, I break
out in a huge smile. He hugs me right in front of everybody, Seth
is so OUT I love it! I look around and nobody seems to care, good
for them. Seth reaches up to my cap and pushes the hair aside so
he can read the button and then he grins.
"Steve, you are so crazy."
"Yes, but I do it well. How are you ?"
"Great now that you are here !"
I spin my cap around so he can see the sticker and he lets
out a little laugh. This little Chinese lady walks up and seats us
in a booth along the side. I fix my cap, and pull a little bit of
hair out through the front again. Seth has been here before. I
wonder if it had been when he was on a date or not, and if so what the
guy was like. I wondered what it was he liked so much about me. A
minor question, a triviality, at least he does like me, that is what
is so important. I come out of my little daydream and there he is,
staring at me instead of the menu, that same look in his eye that I
saw at Spoons a few nights ago. Green eyes can be very intense. His
face seems much smoother than I remembered it, he looks younger
tonight somehow. On second thought I decide he is not an 8.7, more
like a 9.3.
"Would you like to order Seth ? You've been here before."
"Well, I guess I could if you want me too. What do you like
Steve ?"
"Do you mean in bed ?"
I was toying with him and he knew it.
"I think we already covered that! No, silly, what do you
like to eat."
"Oh", grinning, "I like chicken, I like seafood, I love Lo
Mein"
"OK, I'll order if you want me too."
The meal was delicious. Seth was charming. All during the
meal I kept catching him staring at me, with a wonderful look in his
eyes, a look that made it clear he was glad to be with me. It was so
completely different for me, being pursued instead of pursuing,
having this really wonderful, cute, lovable guy so interested in me.
Suddenly I felt something rubbing the inside of my leg. I almost
jumped before I realized what it was. Seth had slipped his shoe off
and was rubbing his foot against my shin. I looked at him and he
had the most devilish grin on his face, it was so outrageous, right
here in this restaurant booth he was coming on to me with his toes.
I spread my legs apart just enough to show him what my reaction was.
He slipped down a little in his side of the booth so his foot could
reach higher. I was going out of my mind trying not to laugh out
loud. Seth is so bold, so completely carefree it amazes me.
Now his foot was traveling halfway up the inside of my thigh. I reached down and started to carress his toes through his brown socks. They were very thick fabric, dress socks, a whiff of the scent of his body snuck up and overcame the strong food scents in the room for a second. Masculine, musky, I knew he was going to have his way with me tonight right at that instant. How easily he had brought the silent conversation around to sex, a few rubs of his sock on my leg and I was ready. I felt that familiar feeling in my gut, my body seemed so light, like Seth could have grabbed me right at that instant by an earlobe, and carried me home, and I would have been floating in the air right beside him. I knew that I wanted him now, I knew I wanted him to touch me all over.
"Seth ?"
"Yes ?"
"Do you still have any of that Bud Dry at home ?"
His face lit up instantly. He looked like a kid on
Christmas morning. He was grinning so wide, he understood me clearly,
he focused those green eyes of his on me for a second and said "Yes"
very softly, as if the question had been something else entirely. Of
course it was. I had just asked him if he still wanted to take me
home. I had just told him it was OK, I was willing, I was interested.
I wondered if he had expected me to be embarrassed by his little game
of footsie in the booth. I decided he knew me well enough to know it
would not embarass me at all. I looked at him and turned on my
'anything goes' smile. He liked it. He smiled too. I could not
fight it any longer, I could not deny it, I had powerful feelings for
this guy and I wanted to know what might become of us. It was time to
find out.
The waiter came with the check just as Seth's foot made it almost all the way up the inside of my leg. The yellow napkin on my lap was moving as if it had a life of it's own. I'm sure the guy noticed but he just left the check and said "Thank You gentlemen" and walked away. Seth pulled his foot off my lap. I looked at him and wondered what it would be like to be with him. I was definitely ready. He grabbed the check.
"My treat this time Steve, I insist !"
"OK Seth, whatever you want."
"Is that as in 'anything at all' ?"
"Yes, exactly. Anything."
I started to rub the back of his leg, just above his ankle,
with the tip of my right foot, Reebok suede against the denim of his
jeans. The fabric was moving up and down with my toes, I pictured a
hairy leg in my mind. A lady sitting at a table in the middle of
the place seemed to notice but she looked away instantly. It was my
turn to tease and I was enjoying it. Seth had a grin on his face
that I had not seen before, sort of a naughty look. I looked him
right in the eye, and while I had his full attention I licked my
lips with the tip of my tongue, quickly, twice.
"I think I'm ready for some fresh air, how about you Seth ?"
"Yes, fresh air, that's the ticket !"
I opened my fortune cookie. It said "You will find what you
are seeking", I curled it up into a little ball quickly, before Seth
could see it. He left his on the table and we stood up to go. It
was raining steadily outside, my first winter in California, the
rain was steady and even, small drops. The light from the street
lights and the store front windows scattered randomly on the shining
surface of the street. The air was slightly cool and a very light
breeze was blowing the rain down the street towards El Camino Real,
bending the path of each drop so it fell almost at any angle. I
turned my baseball cap around to keep the rain off my glasses. Then
Seth took my hand in his and turned toward me, his face right in
front of mine. A Mountain View police car and a little Japanese
sports car were driving slowly by us.He kissed me right there on the street. I kissed him back. My arms went around him and I pulled him close, tight, body against body, my hips pressed tightly against his. Seth has no fear of open displays of affection. We lingered like that just a few seconds then he broke away. I took a very deep breath, filling my lungs with the air of this night, I felt like I would always remember that kiss, all of my life.
"Where did you park Steve ?"
Suddenly his voice brought me back to here and now, it was a
shock, a jolt. Here we were, standing in the rain getting wet, and
I was off on cloud nine somewhere because of a little kiss. I looked
at the smoothness of his face, I saw the sincerity in his eyes. It
took me a few seconds to find my voice.
"Oh, uh, around the corner up here on the right."
"Great, I'm right here."
"Yes, I saw your car, I guess I should follow you."
"Duh, good idea Steve !"
He spun my baseball cap half way around and I pushed him
away. He twisted around very fast and pretended to punch me in the
stomach.
"Cut it out!! What are you, queer or something ?"
"Yes Steve, I am queer."
"Oh, OK then, I guess it's alright, but don't touch the cap
buster, or else."
"Or else what, fag ?"
"That's faggot to you mister."
I punched his shoulder and he pretended to stumble, reeling
as if he would fall. I ran past him, towards my van. He saw me and
started running to his car. I stopped for a minute and yelled to
him.
"Hey Seth ?"
"Yes ?"
"Have you got enough gas ?"
"Wise ass !"
As I started my van the Pet Shop Boys resumed on the tape,
right where they had stopped an hour or so earlier, at about 100
decibels. It was very appropriate.
"I don't want another drink or fight
I want a lover
I don't care whether it's wrong or right
I want a lover
Tonight
Tonight"
-- Pet Shop Boys
I saw Seth's Toyota turn the corner as I put my van in gear.
My windshield wipers were not even audible over the sound of the
stereo. I was in an extremely good mood. When we got to his apartment
complex I realized I had been there before, almost a year ago, with my
sister when I was looking for an apartment in the area. At the time it
never dawned on me that I might be a guest in someone else's apartment
in this complex. Seth showed me where to park and I grabbed my
briefcase and my overnight bag. My pager had been very good so
far, but I was still on call and it could go off at any second. I
patted it lovingly and said "Good pager." I followed Seth in through
the security door and up a flight of stairs, right, down the hall,
and he stopped in front of his door. I felt that strange feeling in
my gut again. There were all these little raindrops on his hair,
the light from the ceiling fixture highlighted them. I put my hand
on the back of his neck. He smiled. He turned the key and there was
this loud click as the lock released. That sound, the click, was
somehow very significant. It was a turning point, a point of no
return. I did not want to leave though, I wanted to be alone with
Seth.
We stepped inside, there was a dim light coming from a table lamp, warm, incandescent and soft. I saw a big couch in front of a clear glass coffee table. Everything was neat and in it's place, not at all like my home. I was glad we had come to Seth's place instead of mine. I resolved to keep him away from my home as long as possible. He took my jacket, the grey winter jacket that matched the weather we had been having, and walked down the hall a moment. Then he told me to have a seat as he strolled into the kitchen. The flourescent light in the kitchen flashed twice then flooded the place with bluish white. Now I could see his stereo setup, large speakers, all black components, in a glass front entertainment center with a 19 inch TV. Seth came back with two beers and two frosted mugs.
"Bud Dry as promised."
"Thanks, you're a man of your word. Do I get anything
else besides the beer ?"
"Want a hug too ?"
"Oh yes, that sounds wonderful !"
"Stand up Steve."
I put my arms around him, under his shoulders and pulled him
tight against me. His arms were around the outside of mine, his
hands in the small of my back. He started to move his fingers
around in small little circles. I had a heavy denim shirt on. His
fingers felt like heaven to me. I felt my entire body start to
relax. I put my head on his shoulder and squeezed him even tighter.
I sighed out loud. He kissed my neck lightly and I felt a jolt go
all the way through me, my whole body jerked for just a split second.
It was like a shock from a TV, a sudden revelation. I never thought
one small little kiss could hit me so hard. His body was warm
against me, soft and firm at the same time, a comfort and exciting.
His hands moved down to just below my belt as I began rubbing his
muscular back through his blue cotton sweater. I felt a sense of unreality for a second or two, like this was too good to be real, then I was back inside my body and Seth was kissing me again on the neck. This time it was like a burst of machine gun fire, in the dark with tracers, zooming over my head. Every inch of my body tingled, needles were dancing on my skin, just lightly enough for me to know they were there. I imagined Seth and I standing under the stars, in a park somewhere, on a clear summer night. I could almost hear the crickets. A breeze went past my ear. It was Seth, his breath, he was blowing in my ear now. It was too much, was I now nearing sensory overload ? My body was trembling, I was afraid I would fall on the floor, my legs felt so weak. I broke away from him.
"What, what's wrong Steve ?"
"Oh nothing, nothing is wrong, absolutely nothing !
I just need to catch my breath a minute. Can we sit down ?"
"Sure, hey Steve, if you need me to stop, I mean if you're
not sure it's OK guy."
"Seth, the only thing I'm not sure about is whether or not
I had an orgasm just now when you were kissing my neck."
I grabbed my beer and concentrated on opening the can for a
second to give Seth a chance to soak it in. It didn't take long.
He sat down next to me on the couch and reached for his own beer.
The mugs were very solid, with faceted sides, and their were
crystals of ice on them that looked like snowflakes. I turned my
mug and poured the beer down the side slowly, the whole can fit
nicely. Seth moved closer to me on the couch. I leaned back with
my mug of beer in my hand, it was a nice cool drink and momentary
insurance. I knew what was going to happen, not in detail, but I
knew beyond any doubt that I wanted it to. Whatever Seth wanted, I
wanted it too. I moved my left foot over until it was up against his
right foot. A few sips of the beer and I put the mug down on the
coffee table, on the coaster Seth had brought. Seth moved closer to
me again. Now the muscles of his calf were touching my own. I
pressed against him and moved very slightly so that our knees would
also touch. Seth took my glasses off and put them on the table.
"Here Steve, you won't be needing these."
"No, I guess I won't. I can see a few feet without them."
"I can't promise you a few feet Steve."
"Shame on you! Like you think I'm a size queen, right ?"
"Hey, just a joke. Relax."
"Yes, let's relax. May I take my sneakers off ?""
"Of course, don't be silly, I wish you would."
"I will, if you will."
He looked at me and smiled. He had his shoes off and was
sitting back against the cushions when I slid my sneakers under the
coffee table. As I started to sit back Seth put his hand on my
shoulder and pushed me down, I understood what he meant and lay down
on the couch, my head on the soft, overstuffed armrests, my back
toward Seth. He laid down behind me and put his arm around my
chest, pulling me closer, his wand warm and welcome against my
breastbone.
Seth started moving his fingertips around on my chest, tiny little circles, just his left hand. He moved behind me and I felt the warm touch of his lips on the back of my neck, once again my whole body trembled. His fingertips were now running across an even larger part of my chest, they kept crossing the leather tong around my neck. He could feel it, and he started moving it back and forth. He whispered softly from behind me:
"What's this ?"
"My medallion Seth."
"May I see it ?"
"Later, yes you may. Please, don't talk right now."
"OK"
Now his hand was moving around in a big circle, all over my
chest, down almost to my belly button, around the shape of my collar
bone, firmly up and down across my ribs. I was really relaxing now.
His touch was so warm, so reassuring, it made me relax. I felt his
breath on the back of my neck and I started to get goose bumps all
up and down my arms. Then suddenly I felt his hand plunge into my
jeans, right inside my underwear, in one swift motion.
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