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I just got home from my first ever meeting of P-FLAG, Parents
and Friends of Lesbians and Gays. Now, you might wonder why a gay man
would go to a meeting of this group, after all, it isn't called Gays and
Lesbians with Parents and Friends, but get rid of any preconceived notions
that you may have. I was drawn to this meeting, I had to check out this
group. I knew something about them, I've seen their literature. They
have a few qualities I admire, compassion and love.
I really got lucky. Pam Walton was there. I had seen Pam's work once before, at a meeting of High Tech Gays in San Jose. I belong to HTG, I'm gay, I'm High Tech, I fit in. At the time Pam was working on a new video about gay teenagers. It's called "Gay Youth", it was at the point of being work in progress, it brought tears to my eyes. The nice thing about being gay is that all of the rules go out the window, I can cry if I want to, I don't have to be macho. Pam is a wonderful person. She knows, she feels it, she fights for her truth. The meeting was in Menlo Park CA at 7:30, so of course I was there at 7:05. I sat in my van and listened to some Jean Michel Jarre while I proofread one of my stories, amazing, no typos, I must have had beer. I walked in at 7:15, this middle aged lady knew she had not seen me, that I was new, I got the Red Carpet treatment, warmth, humanity. She has a gay son. I hemmed and I hawed and I finally told her, I have kids but they are not gay, I'm gay. She smiled, I think she wanted to hug me, but we were both Americans. We settled on being nice to each other. I started to talk to her about my mother, a saintly woman, I love her dearly, she taught me how to accept people. My mother thinks it is her fault that I am gay. Never mind that there is no fault involved, I am not defective, she thinks she caused my gayness. Dear Mom, I love you, I was supposed to be this way. You gave birth to me, you taught me how to love, you're a good mother, I'm a good son, I'm gay. As soon as it was established that I was new there everyone wanted to welcome me. Parents of gay kids, gay parents of kids, gay kids of parents, it felt good. You see, at P-FLAG there are no expectations, they seem to have one major rule, unspoken, understood, acceptance. I had brought some things that I wrote, some of my stories, ones that sort of applied to P-FLAG, one in which I mentioned them. Sort of like presenting my credentials, stating my position. She took them, and thanked me, and I went over to the table where the literature was all laid out. I wanted to get something for Mom. I want her to understand. Not only is it not her fault, there is no fault involved. It is good that I am who I am, I'm glad I am me, and I'm lucky to have her for my mother. I took a few brochures. I'll mail them to my sister Nancy so that my stepfather does not see them. Mom would be embarrassed. You see, I'm not out to my stepfather. He is not terribly fond of gay people. But Mom loves me, there is no doubt that she loves me. I was so nervous I had to go to the bathroom. I saw a lady who looked like she must be someone's mother putting Tee-Shirts on a table, they were pink. I have this thing about Tee-Shirts. One of them said "Gay by Nature Proud by Choice" I grabbed my checkbook and bought one. It has a pink triangle in the middle. I will wear it proudly. She designed the shirt herself. I suspect she has a child who is homosexual, if so, he or she is a lucky kid. She made me feel very welcome. A couple of guys came in and my radar said that they were definitely gay. I relaxed another twenty percent. An older couple came in, they could tell I was gay, they smiled, quite warmly, I thought we were the only ones with radar. No fair! I had this binder with me, a bunch of my stories, my security blanket, they connect me to who I am. I wanted someone to ask about it but no-one did. But it was still very good having them there, it helped me. I could flip through the pages and glance at them, thinking of the changes I have been through in my life. I saw Pam when I was stepping out for a smoke, she was setting up a VCR, I jumped to the correct conclusion. I could not remember her name, but I knew her, I knew her video. I had visions of tears in my eyes.
"Oh hi, are you showing your video ?"
"Yes, I am"
"Oh, I'm so glad that I'm here!"
I smoked my cigarette outside, alone, I put my new shirt in the
van. I'm ashamed of my smoking but I'm glad that I'm gay. I'm not sure if
you can understand that, but I do. It's like I was supposed to be this
way, it is sort of my reason for being. The people there did not need me
to explain, they understand, they know what we go through, they approve of
us. There just are no words for the feelings I had there that night. All
those straight parents, they seemed to like me BECAUSE I was gay. It is
the opposite of the rest of the world, out there I feel like I must always
be on the defensive, ready to fight for my life, wary of baseball bats and
Republicans. At P-FLAG I was in a safe zone, more than that, I was where
people appreciated me simply because I was gay. They are just sitting
there, waiting, hoping, with open arms, ready to accept with no questions
asked. I felt so much less militant. I was no longer ready to fight. I
sat on one of the metal chairs, off by myself, people were arriving and
saying hello. I got a lot of friendly smiles. Everyone who did not know
me, and that was everyone there, wanted to go out of their way to be
friendly.
Of course I had worn one of my Tee-shirts. I chose one that was subtle, but gay. It had a picture of the Golden Gate bridge with a huge pink triangle under it. I was confident that the people there would know about the pink triangle, they did. Another couple came in, a man and a woman, married, they looked at me and decided to sit next to me. I think that they knew I was gay and they also wanted to make me feel welcome. The woman was very much like my own mother, thin, she smiled a lot, she radiated warmth. It was time for the meeting to start. The same lady who had welcomed me first got up and spoke to the group. She acknowledged all the new faces and mine blushed very slightly. She spoke about the purpose of P-FLAG, it's role, it's mission. Support for the families of gay people, support for gay people, a desire to educate the world, activism in promoting gay rights. Everything she said was delivered with a sense of compassion and caring. I knew I was in the right place, I knew I was glad to be there. My emotions were at a peak already. Then she introduced Pam Walton. Pam is simply a wonderful person. She cares very deeply about gay kids. She spoke about her own life experience, her coming out, her family. She spoke about gay teens and the struggles they go through. She had some very frightening statistics about teen suicides. Thirty to fourty percent of teen suicides, thousands of kids every year, kill themselves because of their sexuality. Her sincerity, her caring, her faith in humanity were so easy and plain to see. Pam is one of those people that only a bigot could dislike. I was so impressed with her humanity, she had not started the VCR yet, I was already prepared to cry. Like I said before, I'm gay, so it's alright if I cry. The lights were dimmed, the TV was turned on, I was bolted to my seat. I turned to the lady beside me, on my left, and I told her I had seen this before. I told her it was excellent. She put her hand on top of mine, I'll never forget that. "Gay Youth" a video, it tells the story of two different gay kids, with a few others as well, but the two main characters are so completely different. A boy from a fundamentalist family, gay, very much a good kid. He loved his family. He wanted to do right. He knew what was inside him, but he could not resolve it. His family could not accept his being gay, they believed it was wrong, they let their love for him take a back seat to their religion. There was a girl in the story too, a lesbian girl, a high school student, full of pride and self assurance. Her family was very clear about their love for her. Her life was not a bed of roses, she had problems at school, harrassment, hatred, rejection. But at home she got love and support. The boy in the story was named Bobby, the girl was named Gina. Bobby jumped off a bridge onto a highway, in front of a truck. He is dead. Gina went to the Prom with her girlfriend, she graduated from High School, she is alive. There were other kids in the video too. A boy from Hawaii who was effeminate, a boy from a high school who talked about his inward struggle, Gina's date from the Prom. These kids all had one thing in common, they were human. They had dreams and hopes and a desire to be loved. They wanted approval like all kids do. They were gay. I cried again shamelessly while watching Pam's video. It is wrong what is done to these children, totally, completely, absolutely wrong. All children need love and acceptance. All teenagers need a self image. They need to be able to think of themselves as good people. There are elements in our society that condemn people for being gay, that say we are bad people, that say we have simply made a choice to live lives of sin. Teens are very vulnerable to this, if they come from an atmosphere, a home life, that preaches intolerance they tend not to tolerate themselves. And if their struggle gets too out of hand, if they have no resource to turn to, if they see no hope for their future, they sometimes put an end to their suffering in a horrible way. This is not only sad, it is not only tragic, it is unacceptable. The lights came back on. Pam led a discussion. I'm sure my eyes were all red. She spoke in detail about the kids in the video, about their lives, how they suffered. She spoke about her efforts to get "Gay Youth" into the High Schools. How some schools already had the tape, but were afraid to show it. How so many schools knew it should be shown, but were afraid of the religious right wing. So the teens keep dying, and the Christian Values Coalition keeps putting measures on the ballot. She spoke of her efforts to market the tape, production costs, distribution. Then she asked for comments. Everyone was positive about her efforts. There was discussion of the kids we had seen, how they were, what they were doing, except for Bobby of course. I had this sense of being a newcomer, of needing to feel my way in to this group, but I had something I needed to say. I raised my hand. Pam nodded.
"Pam, this is the second time I have seen your video, I saw it
once before at a High Tech Gays meeting. And I just wanted
you to know..." my voice started to break, I had tears in my
eyes again, "that this is the second time that it made me cry.
I hope you are very proud of what you have done."
Everyone started applauding. I wanted to hide under my chair.
I felt that it had not been my words, that some sort of a spirit had just
used my voice. I felt humble but glad I had gotten that out. The lady
next to me touched me again. There was more conversation, a wrapup of the
meeting, a welcome once again to the newcomers.
A lot of those parents came up to me to make conversation. What they said was not so important, their gestures were. The body language, the look in their eyes, it all was very clear. I was welcome. They accepted me just as they accepted their own children. They had no agenda for me, there were no expectations, they were just being friendly and warm. Before I left I took out my checkbook once again. I joined P-FLAG. Pam Walton came up to me and we spoke for a few moments. She was asking about my situation. I told her about my marriage, about my children, about my mother and about what I try to do with my Bulletin Board. She was very warm and friendly. I asked her if I could give her a hug, she walked right over to me, I hugged her and then I turned quickly and walked out to my van. My new shirt was on the passenger seat. When I got home I tried it on. "Gay by Nature, Proud by Choice", it fits.
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