Seven-Eleven

Today, of course, is July 11th, Seven Eleven, National 7-11 day, please be sure to take a Pakistani to lunch.

And in World News: Protestant ministers in Northern Ireland today denounced Catholic brutality, saying it was anti-Christian. In Rome, the Pope said that Protestant brutality was anti-Christian. In reality, of course, all flavors of Christianity have a long and colorful history of murder, torture, oppression, enslavement and bigotry in the name of God.

On the subject of Christianity, the Epicopalian faith in the US, which recently joined in the rising tide of anti-gay rhyming retoric, was embarrassed by the embezzlement of millions of dollars by a heterosexual Christian employee. The accused, a Mrs. Ellen Cooke of McLean Va, appealed for help to local hero and former US Senate candidate Ollie North.

Mr. North was quoted as saying he had "great respect for Mrs. Cooke and her Family Values."

Persons attending the AIDS convention in British Columbia today sent a telegram to US Senator Jesse Helms asserting that hurricane Bertha was God's judgement of the North Carolina tobacco industry.

Meanwhile, in Virginia, demonstrators at the site of the new Arthur Ashe statue were visibly upset at having a statue of a black man violate the integrity of the street that was originally reserved for slave owners and other Confederate heroes. North Carolina Senator Jesse Helms, commenting on the Virginia controversy, stated his belief that AIDS is God's judgement of tennis players.

Presumed likely probable Republican presidential candidate private citizen Bob Dole stated his belief that tennis is not necessarily addictive, but that the late tennis star Arthur Ashe had been brainwashed by Martina Navratilova and former Surgeon General C. Everett Koop.

Meanwhile, in Chechnya, anti-Russian rebel forces stated their belief that rockslides are God's judgement of vacationing American bourgeois tourists.

Back in the US again, former Colorado governor Lamm and multi-millionaire Ross Perot announced they would be competing against each other next month in Atlanta for the Olympic Gold in the crazy ramblings event.

And in Washington, President Clinton announced the latest peace initiative for Northern Ireland. A group of American TV evangelists, led by Pat Robertson and armed with assault rifles, will be guarding Northern Ireland schools and churches.